


when we are dust.

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 20:53:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17332166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: Dan swears some days it’s the dust that drowns him, and the cobwebs tie themselves around him pinning him down so he can’t move. He gets stuck there for awhile.or Dan is tired.





	when we are dust.

_I’m tired,_ Dan thinks. The tired feeling touches every part of his body, underneath his eyelids and making him feel heavy. It’s the kind of tired that’s unexplainable, where his brain has shut down and his thought process is. Well, nothing. It feels like nothing. 

He sits in the lounge with the telly playing some sort of rerun that he used to watch a long time ago, observing how the actors mouths are moving but he doesn’t hear anything coming out. He rests his head against the armrest sinking into the couch and pulling the blanket over him. He’s cold, too. 

He’s been alone for a couple of hours now, Phil running errands, Phil visiting Martyn and Cornelia during their home renovations, Phil being a better human than Dan today ( _and most days, but he won’t say that out loud_ ). 

The light fades from the outside and night comes with it’s own set of noises of drunk yelling and laughter, another ambulance. If Dan listens closely he swears that he can hear rain tapping against the glass and he fights the urge to want to go run out in it. 

Once one show ends another rerun begins. Dan blinks like it’s a chore and sleep has yet to find him. There’s something ping-ponging in his chest, underneath his veins making his hands shake. Maybe it’s anxiety. Maybe it’s just the pure exhaustion of just being alive. He thinks that if he remembers he should tweet that. A harmless joke or a shout in the void—well, he doesn’t know anymore. It all starts to blend together. 

In the back of his mind he thinks of what his therapist said when he gets like this, to identify the things that are real and understand that it was just something that happened and that he’d be okay he just had to get through this—whatever it was. He didn’t know if it was anything or than Dan being tired and feeling like maybe that some days he just had to live in his head for a while, clean out all the dust that got trapped in there. 

Dan swears some days it’s the dust that drowns him, and the cobwebs tie themselves around him pinning him down so he can’t move. He gets stuck there for awhile. 

(Some days not even Phil can break down the door to let Dan out. Some days the things that tie Dan down are too much and he has to be the one to get himself out.) 

The sound of the door opens downstairs and Dan can’t be bothered to get up, like he’s looking out the window but Phil is just too far for him to reach. 

And then suddenly, a light turns on. 

Dan closes his eyes then. 

It reminds him that on the bad days he pretended to be asleep, just because he didn’t want Phil to know how badly he was hurting. Didn’t want him to know that he was trapped underneath all the shit that Dan kept hidden in his head. 

“I brought food.” Phil says, he leans down to get eye level with Dan and pushes his curls back. 

Dan wants to say, _I’m tired and not hungry._

Dan wants to say, _existing today is hard._

Dan wants to say, _I’m stuck._

But he says nothing. It’s just reaching out for Phil to help pull him up from the couch and then leaning on him when he does. 

1\. _Phil is real._ Dan thinks feeling the cotton shirt underneath his fingers.  
2\. _The food is hot._ Dan thinks when he shoves the first bite into his mouth.  
3\. _The stairs feel like mountains._ Dan thinks when he’s climbing down them.  
4\. _Phil’s hand is very warm against my own._ Dan thinks pressing it against his cheek and Phil’s fingers curling around his face.  
5\. _The blanket is warm against my body._ Dan thinks when he’s being tucked in. 

It’s five things that he knows are true. Five things that he can touch and feel. 

When he turns in the bed, Phil is staring at him. 

“Hi,” Dan says. 

Phil reaches out to poke his cheek gently. “Hi.” 

“I’m really tired today.” Dan says and feels the dust start to scatter.

Dan has to work his way back out now within the mess. 

“I’m sorry to hear that. Cuddle?” Phil reaches out. 

Dan just nods and pushes himself closer.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated! 
> 
> talk to me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan.**
> 
> [reblog](http://nihilismdan.tumblr.com/post/181790028463/when-we-are-dust-pairing-danphil-rating-g-word) on tumblr.


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